I Survived Wisconsin Dells, Part I

Question: Where can you find a two-story replica of the Trojan Horse, an upside down model of the White House, endless buffets, and enough tourist traps to make Vegas blush?
Answer: The Dells, baby!

Refined, tasteful, and subtle – these words have never been used to describe Wisconsin Dells. We went in off-season, so the outdoor water parks were closed and only about half of the neon lights were lit in the evening. It was the perfect time to really take in the culture of the Dells without being irritated by the crowds. Eric and I had actually prided ourselves on living 42 and 37 years respectively without setting foot in the Dells. But when our Disney Easter vacation dreams crashed with the economy, we decided to spend three nights in the Dells. Upon arriving, we were reminded of other craptacular tourist places such as Gatlinburg, TN and Estes Park, CO.

As with the peanuts at any ballpark, remember that they are always “cheaper on the outside.” Salt-water taffy costs $11.99 per pound at Goody Goody Gum Drops in Wisconsin Dells. That same taffy costs $4.98 per pound at Ehlenbach’s Cheese Store just 25 miles south of the Dells. This is where I discovered my culinary passion in life: buttered popcorn flavored salt-water taffy.

Why are boats in the Dells called ducks? They don’t look like ducks, walk like duck, or sound like ducks.

We stopped at an Indian Trading Post (err, crappy tourist souvenir shop) to peruse the local artifacts. Among the items on display: a confederate flag, fuzzy toy ponies, an alarmingly large selection of cowboy and Indian toy weapons (including pink toy guns), and an assortment of shot glasses and t-shirts using humorous variations on the term “cutting the cheese.” My son, to my horror, purchased a pop can cozy in bright cheesy yellow that declared the owner to be a “genuine, authentic cheesehead.” Sigh. But there’s no denying it, he was born in Wisconsin.

At the Wilderness Resort, I witnessed a great deal of tattoos, none of which was impressive. Most noteworthy were two pre-teen girls embellished with presumably temporary tattoos right above their tailbones. That’s right, tramp stamps for ten year olds. Say it with me: Classy!

I was surprised at the number of tourists from Chicago at the Wilderness (based on the number of Illinois license plates in the parking lot and display of Sox, Bears, and Cubs apparel.) Growing up, I had heard of the Dells, but didn’t really know anyone who went there.

The Wilderness charges criminal prices for food. I ate a $9 BLT sandwich for dinner on Friday. I am going to assert that it was the best BLT I have ever eaten; otherwise, I’m just a tourist who paid for overpriced food. It all balances out. I realized, after we arrived at home, that I had packed away an unintentional souvenir: a Wilderness Resort pool towel. Oops!

In Part 2, I will share my personal horror of the wave pool…